


Familiar Feelings

by Renoteen



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Headaches & Migraines, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Whump, Yaz needs a hug, Yaz needs help, bed sharing, i was sad when I wrote this, sad doctor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:48:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25188967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Renoteen/pseuds/Renoteen
Summary: Yaz stops taking her antidepressants without telling anyone.
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan
Comments: 15
Kudos: 59





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is definitely not a happy first chapter so please don't read if you're not feeling good.  
> We know Yaz has lived with depression so I feel like she would struggle from time to time, that's basically this fic mixed with her recovery and her relationship with the Doctor.  
> 

_Yaz could see the Doctor in the distance, trying to speak she found she couldn't get a word out. Suddenly she stood in front of a completely still Doctor, who wouldn't look at her. Instead staring at the ground in some unnameable expression. The blonde held out her hands palm facing the sky. The left held some pills, they looked like Yaz's medication. The right held a razor blade, the one she kept under her sink in her Tardis bathroom._

_"Do it." The Doctor spoke without emotion, it was a monotone order or maybe a suggestion. "I gave you the universe and look what it did to you." Yaz felt herself crying like she'd been crying for hours._

_"Just go Yaz, go home." The Doctors face gave no sympathy, she just turned and started walking in the opposite direction. Yaz tried to scream, her own mind strangling her voice. There wasn't anything she could do, she couldn't move and the Doctor wouldn't turn back. She crumbled onto the hard floor, pieces of tarmac sticking into her wavy hair. Everything was numb yet her body hurt so much, it hurt to breath and it hurt to think. So she shut her swollen eyes hoping for escape. It all went quiet and for a split second, she was free of all that pain._

_._

Yaz woke up later than usual, almost lunchtime. She wasn't sure what had woken her until she realised her phone buzzing beside her bed, her usual Tardis engine ringtone that she'd secretly recorded since she loved it so much. These nightmares really were taking a toll, not even her favourite sound could make her feel better. It took far too much effort to lift herself over to her side so she could reach the device, her head banging something chronic. Scrunching her eyes at the bright screen and ignoring the mild pain she saw the Doctors name pop up, a picture of the both of them smiling behind it.

Sighing loudly she swiped her thumb across their faces to ignore the call. Yaz didn't want to talk to the Doctor or maybe she did, she just didn't have the energy to do anything anymore. Her brain told her nothing was worth doing because everything ends anyway and then she would be forgotten like the rest of the human race. She wasn't important, not even remotely. Why should she be able to reach out and ask her best friend for help, it was her fault she felt like this anyway.

She hadn't taken her antidepressants for over a week now and the effects of such an abrupt decision were really showing. The Doctor kept her distance, wanting to be respectful but also not really knowing what exactly would help her friend. She called her every day on the off chance she might pick up. In all honesty she missed her companion, Yaz had always been special and it didn't feel right not being around her. They were all still on the Tardis, they'd come back from their last trip two days ago. Graham and Ryan stayed for the Doctor's sake, to keep her occupied. And the Doctor refused to travel anywhere in case Yaz felt like opening up and also because she was constantly worried about her.

Yaz didn't regret stopping her medication though because at the time it made sense, she hadn't been able to be truly happy whilst on them. Always somewhere between relatively okay and a little bit not okay. Food tasted bland, her favourite song sounded like every other song and she felt so weak having to rely on pills. Not to mention it sent her short term memory out of wack, the fam had started hovering around whenever Yaz would use the Tardis oven because she kept forgetting she'd turned it on. Luckily the Tardis alerted them the first two times but after the third Yaz felt like she was being baby sat all the time. It was humiliating. And of course that wasnt the intention of her friends, they wanted her to be safe and not to feel so responsible for every tiny mistake but it just made things worse.

It had affected her relationships with everyone as well, even the Doctor. When she was with the Doctor, someone who usually made her smile from ear to ear, there was just nothing. No full laughter or butterflies in her stomach. The small touches of affection made her physically recoil. Being touched felt horrible, as if the Doctor would be able to see her vulnerability or feel it. And it also made her more aware of herself, she could go around pretending to fine until someone brought her back to the real world.

The Doctor would mention a nice memory to try and cheer her up but it wasn't the same for Yaz. She couldn't remember it the same way she had before, all of those movie nights and glances felt more like someone else's memories. Yaz had tried to fake fondness but the smile never came through her eyes, she saw the defeat in the Doctor's eyes. She wanted more than anything to hug the Doctor, or more specifically be hugged, she really did try to communicate that. Yaz never being one to express her more touchy side.

And when the fam went on their adventures, she wasnt able to fully appreciate it. All of the beautiful skies were dimmer than usual and her eyes hurt to look up, the light had become too much and it gave her headaches. She wasn't aware of how quickly her mindset had flipped until she was at the bottom of a very dark hole, a place that felt weirdly comfortable and familiar. That is what scared Yaz the most, she fully understood that she was spiralling and had absolutely no wish to do anything about it.

When Yaz woke up again it was nine at night and she was starving. She wanted to eat something sugary, something bad for her health. Making her way to the kitchen for the first time in two days she started thinking about her fam. Ryan and Graham would most likely be asleep and the Doctor, not being one to rest, would be in either the console room or the library. _Avoid those then Yaz._ Getting to the kitchen she switched the lights on to the lowest setting, she needed them to be dim if she was going to steer clear of another headache. Not that it would help, she still felt like someone had whacked her around the head with a frying pan, she would deal with that when she had to.

The stains on her clothes were now visible, hygiene had been forgotten about, it wasn't important. A lot of things had been thrown out of the window recently. She hoped nobody would bump into her, because she knew how bad it looked. She trailed her rough fingers unceremoniously through her knotted hair. It wasn't too bad yet, not as bad as her eyes. Even closed they were dark and so tired. Her under eyes showed it all. Showed that she'd given up. _You've given up_. Shaking her head out of that thought she walked further in.

Grabbing some chocolate chip cookies from the cupboard Yaz sat down at the table. Even in her current state she wanted to be out of her room for a minute, just to have some kind of small win for the day so she could later use it to justify her procrastination. After all the only thing she'd accomplished this week was two words spoken to the Doctor the first day after stopping her meds. Well, more _at_ her than _to_ her. The time lord had walked into Yaz going back into her room.

She'd been distracted tinkering with her sonic, and being of the uncoordinated sort she had collided with her friend. Yaz had come back from having a shower, the first and last of the week, dressed in a blue towel and slippers. Her hair flowed down one side of her chest. The Doctor had noticed marks she'd never seen before. Marks long since healed that Yaz had purposefully hidden from her since they met. Her eyes were trying to conceal her shock, she didn't want Yaz to feel for lack of a better word...naked.

The Doctor reached her hand out asking to take Yaz's hand. Yaz let go of her towel with one hand still holding it secure. The Doctor studied her wrists, _nothing recent that's good_. Her fingers wavered over the rippled skin, Yaz shivering slightly. She clocked that the Doctor wasn't looking at her arm anymore, instead intently staring into her eyes. A knot tightened in Yaz's stomach and before the Doctor managed to say something she slipped past her and shut the door behind her.

"Yaz can you tell me you're okay?" she paused for a painfully long time, but she was prepared to wait all night. All she got back from Yaz was a muffled 'not now'. Yaz had said it in a _please go away_ kind of tone and the Doctor got the message. And since then Yaz hadn't made the effort to talk and the Doctor didn't actually know how to start a conversation anyway so nothing else happened.

After four cookies her appetite died, eating seemed like a big mistake and she started to get that fizzy sensation. Her throat dried and her face went cold. _Oh god._ She dashed over to the bin, emptying an already bare stomach. All of her muscles were clenching in discomfort and she knew she just had to let her reflexes take over, let her body react to her emotions. After hanging off the bin for another 5 minutes, Yaz thumped to the floor leaning against the wall. Head stuffy and in a cold sweat. _Why?_

Exhaustion washed over her again, this was a feeling she knew all too well, the same old routine. Do something like a normal person, regret doing it, feel ridiculously sick, wallow in self pity and then doing it all over again because she'd always forget how bad it was. Throw in a panic attack or two, nightmares that stuck with her like a bad hangover and taking days to sober up from wherever she had fallen to, she was trapped in a vicious circle. And in reality she knew these things were to be expected for someone struggling, that it was common and these were just symptoms. But she thought she deserved it all, someone who needs a pill full of chemicals to take a shower is not someone who is worthy of happiness. That's what she thought anyway.

Then the light flicked on to full brightness and Yaz squeezed her eyes shut, bringing her hands around her head with a tense spring of stinging. It was worse than before, her brain felt like it was throbbing against her skull, hammering for release. A squeezed gasp push out of her lungs, she couldn't help but vocalise this pain. Her fingers and toes clenched when she felt someone grab her arms, she hadn't heard any foot steps or voices. She'd much rather still be being sick than this debilitating state.

"Yaz?!" the Doctor screamed out seeing Yaz folded into a ball, she didn't know Yaz was having a migraine. She wouldn't have shouted otherwise. _Please be okay, please._

The sound pulsed through her bones and Yaz knew that would be the last straw, so in a last attempt at some control she gripped the Doctor with every ounce of strength she had left. Her vision began to go blurry and she knew what would come next. Her clutch on the Doctor was getting weaker by the second, she was whimpering through hot tears. Clinging to consciousness before her body fell slack against her friend.

**"GRAHAM RYAN HELP!"**


	2. Chapter 2

Yaz could feel herself waking up. Her head began throbbing, consciousness returning. It was painfully slow. Her head was spinning, she tried to calm herself.  _ Right then, fingers.  _ Her index finger drew small circles against her thumb.  _ Check. Now legs.  _ The right leg nestled into the left. They felt so hard to control.  _ Okay good. I guess.  _ With her usual checklist successfully completed, Yaz felt ready to open her eyes. Her eyelids felt like a ton of bricks. She took a deep breath, steadying her racing thoughts.  _ Control yourself Khan.  _ Luckily the room was dark, or seemed to be dark. The only source of light coming from Yaz’s right hand side. 

As her eyes focused, they settled on the ceiling. It looked metal, like the rest of the TARDIS, but something was different. The ceiling had Gallifreyan etchings on them.  _ The kitchen never had those?  _ She attempted to concentrate on what had happened before she passed out.  _ Food, bright lights...what else? Come on Khan.  _ Then she heard a gentle tapping. It was quick, four knocks.  _ Ah.  _ Yaz knew that sound from anywhere.  _ The Doctor.  _ The familiar scent of vanilla leaked into her lungs again. Just like before. 

The blonde tip-toed into the room, leaving the door open. Yaz could see her form getting closer. She reflexively bolted upright. Trying somehow to lessen her vulnerability. A guttural moan forced its way out, responding to the sting of pain. She hadn't realised how fragile she’d be. Or perhaps she didn’t want to remember. 

“Hey hey, it’s okay take it easy there Yaz.” The Doctor spoke so softly. Her tone shocked Yaz more than the pain. The blonde rested her hand against Yaz’s back. Rubbing gentle circles into the rigid muscles beneath. “Let me put some pillows behind ya back, one sec.” 

“Mmm...fine.” Yaz hadn’t meant it to sound so blunt. Huffing in frustration she turned slightly to her friend. “I’m,  **I'm** fine.” 

At that moment their eyes met. It was as if they were both figuring each other out. The silence became unbearable. Yaz hastily looked away to her lap. She heard the Doctor sigh, she hated that sound. Knowing the Doctor was upset beforehand was okay. Mainly because she didn’t have to stare her in the eyes. It was easy to hid away, stay in her room. But now she had no choice. There was no way her excuses would make do now. The Doctor was far too worried to care for social etiquette. And she'd seen how badly Yaz needed her.

“There ya go, you can sit back now.” Yaz hissed at the cold palm on her shoulder. “Oops sorry Yaz, forgot humans hate the cold,” The blondes features scrunched up in confusion. “odd though...because you also like snow.” She shrugged her shoulders and changed the topic. “So…”, Yaz could see her chewing her cheek anxiously, “...how ya feelin?” The Doctor fiddled with the cuff of her coat sleeve.

Yaz couldn’t help her eyes from darting around. How on earth could she condense the past few days. Let alone be honest to the Doctor. Who she saw as the best person she’d ever met. A literal lord of time. Surely she’d just laugh at her tiny problems. “Here.” Somehow that word seemed perfect. Yaz felt present, felt stable...for now. She wasn't really feeling much of anything. Or perhaps she was feeling too much to articulate into words. But it also meant she wasn’t denying anything. So technically she wasn't lying.

The Doctor smiled sympathetically, nodding awkwardly. She couldn’t help but latch her gaze onto her friend's taut expression. Whatever was going on was clearly consuming her. She looked so blank. But also as if one touch could make her explode. The Doctor knew she knew this would be hard. “Yaz...has this happened whilst you’ve been travelling with me?” The brunette didn’t respond this time. But the Doctor could see she was thinking about it. The cogs were turning almost audibly. 

“Once or twice.” Yaz whispered with shame. How could she be so weak. She needed to rectify her statement. “Only once before.” Another lie. She’d had four migraines. But nobody needed to know that. She wanted to keep some sense of dignity, if she could. 

The nonchalant response made the Doctor rephrase the question. “I’m not talking about the migraine Yaz.” Her face became more serious. The Doctor took her hand in her own. Looking up at the brunette, faltering for a moment. Before continuing to turn over her arm. Yaz's eyes studied her movements carefully. The Doctor was feather light, Yaz relaxed into her touch. _What is she doing?_ “These,” she observed the thin marks tallying the woman's arm, “these Yaz.” 

Yaz tensed at the realisation. _ Oh.  _ Not only was she talking about **_that,_** but Yaz also registered her own attire. She was still wearing her pyjamas. And unfortunately those pyjamas consisted of a tank top and shorts. So nothing was covering her arms. _**No no no.**_ The Doctor's hands didn’t feel comforting anymore. They felt too close. Their proximity became overwhelming. Cold fingers felt like burning electricity. She ripped her hand out of the Doctors grasp. Trying to escape the situation, she swung over to the other side of the bed.  _ I’m in bed?  _ She couldn't think about that now. Her feet hit the floor with a thump. That migraine had stolen every ounce of energy. She groaned with exhaustion. A thin sheen of sweat clinging to her forehead. "Mmph!"

The Doctor didn’t move a muscle. She watched as her friend struggled to stand. She knew Yaz would bat her away if she tried to aid her. This situation was just as difficult for them both. But when Yaz went to step forward, the Doctor acted. By the way the brunette swayed, she knew this attempt would be futile. Tears slipped out of Yaz with ease. She was mortified and in so much pain. It was as if her mind was screaming at her body. She didn’t even notice the Doctor running round the bed. With one last exhale, Yaz let go again. Her wall breaking again. She'd hate herself for this later.

The Doctor caught Yaz just as her legs buckled. Her hands securing her waist and guiding her to the floor. Gasping as she felt her protruding hips poke at her palms. And with that Yaz broke and started to sob uncontrollably. The Doctor gathered Yaz into her arms and held her tightly. Holding onto her much like when she watched her collapse hours before. The blonde blinked tears back, clenching her jaw to control herself. She needed to be strong for Yaz. She wasn’t going to abandon her now. She wasn't going to let her be alone. 

They stayed on the hard floor for over an hour. But the stiffness growing in the Doctors joints didn’t matter. Because as the minutes went by, Yaz’s tears dried up. And her breathing evened out. Her soaked top sticking to her skin. At some point she’d placed her hand on the Doctors chest. Subconsciously counting the Time Lord's heart beats. They were oddly calming, fast as they were. Yaz needed them, needed to be near them. The Doctor kissed her head, letting Yaz know she was there. She thought she saw a faint sad smile, but she thought it was probably her imagination.

  
Eventually Yaz drifted into sleep. Her breaths deep and peaceful. The Doctor waited until Yaz’s hand slipped from her chest. Knowing that she could move her somewhere more comfortable now. Yaz certainly needed it. And honestly she knew it wouldn't hurt to get herself off of the floor. Yaz looked so tired, she wasn't okay in any way. Lifting her up, the Doctor settled Yaz into bed. Pulling the thick duvet over her fragile body. She brushed a curl of hair behind the woman's ear. Her finger lingering for a moment. She wanted her Yaz back, the happy Yaz. The woman who allowed her to smile again. 

"I'm so sorry Yaz. I wish you'd told me, or at least...i don't know. I just need you to know that you're not alone. We're all here for you, if you want us. I won't let you down. Anyway I'm probably speaking too much, you rest now. I'll always listen Yaz, don't you worry." The Doctor went to leave the room, but something made her pause. The thought of Yaz...alone.  _ Should I stay? _

**Author's Note:**

> @renoteentardis on Twitter :)


End file.
